This rang a bell for me. Personally, I really love delicate, lacey lingerie and perfume. So many of my days are spent covered with dirt and mud and sweat, so getting cleaned up and into something delicate and lovely makes me happy. It's for me, not anyone else. But some women act like only women programmed by "the patriarchy" like girly things.
As a GC, this piece speaks directly to the very core of why I’m critical of the entire “gender” concept outside any realm but critiquing our patriarchal past & present.
The assumption that gender is something meaningful is a profoundly problematic one …
I have contempt for the idea that *any* person *should or must* behave/present in a manner which further entrenches gender stereotypes. The *stereotypical* ideas of femininity AND masculinity are inherently problematic, but the behaviours themselves are not inherently so (though some are).
e.g., If a woman wishes to present “butch” or “femme”, hooray. If a man wishes to present as “macho” or “effeminate”, again hooray.
It’s when people start saying that a tomboyish female is acting “like a man”, or an effeminate man is acting “like a woman” that it all falls apart.
Am I “acting like a man” when I care for my family/friends/staff, when I exhibit empathy, when I pursue collaborative solutions?
Yes, because I’m a man.
Was Annie Lennox “acting like a man” when she put on a suit with short hair?
Nope, just a woman being a woman, breaking down stereotypes.
FWIW, if your experience with the GC community “de facto anti femininity”, then I think your conception of things is part of the problem: please define for me “feminine” without resorting to circular reasoning or stereotypes.
Can you say more? To me this article spoke in defense of femininity as a meaningful form of gender expression for women. In my experience, the GC community is de facto anti-femininity and pro-masculinity for everyone, even if they argue for gender abolition in theory. That’s not abolishing gender, it’s just forcing one gender onto everyone. I was relieved to read this piece which speaks the truth: “When girls are taught that femininity is contemptible, we should not be surprised when they attempt to escape womanhood itself.” If you don’t experience GC as contemptuous toward femininity both in women and men—and saying something is meaningless is definitely a form of contempt—can you elaborate?
I have a 16 year old granddaughter. At 12 she asked me if I would hold her babies when she had them, I said I would love too if I around by then. At 14 she said she’s a boy and her mom went full transgender acceptance. The only thing transgender about her is her new name and clothing. No demands for drugs etc. , no real anti-family behaviors. I think because of what she’s seen and heard she is afraid to be a woman.
Thank you so much for this. I am a therapist, and have sat with several young women who have told me that they feel that they can only 'indulge their feminine side' when 'identifying' as 'non-binary' or as male. There is the ideological and peer pressure, undoubtedly – but many also do this to avoid the sexual attention of boys. They feel they can be feminine and wear a dress, but if they are simultaneously identifying out of being female, heterosexual boys will have little interest in them and gay boys know that they are actually girls.
I have tried to explain this to others – including professionals – and get a look of complete disbelief. "What, girls pretend to be boys, so they can be girly?" is the usual response. Thank you for setting this out so clearly.
Thank you again for writing about this. I have never seen this exact phenomenon addressed anywhere else with such clarity. Most people can’t believe it is happening.
Thank you for posting this. I know many of the greats have seen femininity as a weakness, but it is a huge strength in itself. Like you said, empathy, collaboration, community building, etc. can be good if utilized correctly and not exploited by trans ideology or other movements who won't reciprocate.
“girlhood becomes a narrow corridor: either perform a pornified version of femininity shaped by the male gaze, or find a way out of the category altogether.” I have recently discussed how the stories we tell about women shape our perceptions of them. We seem to have two types of women: the prostrating wife, mother, lover or the independent, girlboss feminist. We don’t have stories about women where they aren’t women first and foremost, and the damage is two-fold: men don’t see us as human beings, women strip themselves of womanhood so they can be.
I have noticed this with the way female musicians are perceived and their fans judged. Taylor Swift embraces her “girliness” - she writes love songs, wears ball gowns, loves cats, etc. - and she is ridiculed and her fans written off as vacuous. Meanwhile, Chappell Roan says that on stage she is performing “drag” and this is seen as cool and badass and her fandom are not dismissed as a result.
This rang a bell for me. Personally, I really love delicate, lacey lingerie and perfume. So many of my days are spent covered with dirt and mud and sweat, so getting cleaned up and into something delicate and lovely makes me happy. It's for me, not anyone else. But some women act like only women programmed by "the patriarchy" like girly things.
I'm with you on liking Lacey things. I love lace and velvet and I'm a complete jewelry junkie.
As a GC, this piece speaks directly to the very core of why I’m critical of the entire “gender” concept outside any realm but critiquing our patriarchal past & present.
The assumption that gender is something meaningful is a profoundly problematic one …
I have contempt for the idea that *any* person *should or must* behave/present in a manner which further entrenches gender stereotypes. The *stereotypical* ideas of femininity AND masculinity are inherently problematic, but the behaviours themselves are not inherently so (though some are).
e.g., If a woman wishes to present “butch” or “femme”, hooray. If a man wishes to present as “macho” or “effeminate”, again hooray.
It’s when people start saying that a tomboyish female is acting “like a man”, or an effeminate man is acting “like a woman” that it all falls apart.
Am I “acting like a man” when I care for my family/friends/staff, when I exhibit empathy, when I pursue collaborative solutions?
Yes, because I’m a man.
Was Annie Lennox “acting like a man” when she put on a suit with short hair?
Nope, just a woman being a woman, breaking down stereotypes.
FWIW, if your experience with the GC community “de facto anti femininity”, then I think your conception of things is part of the problem: please define for me “feminine” without resorting to circular reasoning or stereotypes.
Can you say more? To me this article spoke in defense of femininity as a meaningful form of gender expression for women. In my experience, the GC community is de facto anti-femininity and pro-masculinity for everyone, even if they argue for gender abolition in theory. That’s not abolishing gender, it’s just forcing one gender onto everyone. I was relieved to read this piece which speaks the truth: “When girls are taught that femininity is contemptible, we should not be surprised when they attempt to escape womanhood itself.” If you don’t experience GC as contemptuous toward femininity both in women and men—and saying something is meaningless is definitely a form of contempt—can you elaborate?
No piece has spoken to me as much in quite some time as this one. Don’t know why I waited so long but I just upgraded to paid. 🙏🏼💙
Thanks, Robin! I’m glad it resonated with you and I appreciate your support.
I second this
I have a 16 year old granddaughter. At 12 she asked me if I would hold her babies when she had them, I said I would love too if I around by then. At 14 she said she’s a boy and her mom went full transgender acceptance. The only thing transgender about her is her new name and clothing. No demands for drugs etc. , no real anti-family behaviors. I think because of what she’s seen and heard she is afraid to be a woman.
Thank you so much for this. I am a therapist, and have sat with several young women who have told me that they feel that they can only 'indulge their feminine side' when 'identifying' as 'non-binary' or as male. There is the ideological and peer pressure, undoubtedly – but many also do this to avoid the sexual attention of boys. They feel they can be feminine and wear a dress, but if they are simultaneously identifying out of being female, heterosexual boys will have little interest in them and gay boys know that they are actually girls.
I have tried to explain this to others – including professionals – and get a look of complete disbelief. "What, girls pretend to be boys, so they can be girly?" is the usual response. Thank you for setting this out so clearly.
Thank you for sharing this perspective from your clinical experience. It reinforces how layered this issue is…ideological, relational, and personal.
Thank you again for writing about this. I have never seen this exact phenomenon addressed anywhere else with such clarity. Most people can’t believe it is happening.
Thank you for posting this. I know many of the greats have seen femininity as a weakness, but it is a huge strength in itself. Like you said, empathy, collaboration, community building, etc. can be good if utilized correctly and not exploited by trans ideology or other movements who won't reciprocate.
Such a great essay. Have restacked the hell out of it.
…and I appreciate it!
Fascinating. I was not aware of this dynamic.
“girlhood becomes a narrow corridor: either perform a pornified version of femininity shaped by the male gaze, or find a way out of the category altogether.” I have recently discussed how the stories we tell about women shape our perceptions of them. We seem to have two types of women: the prostrating wife, mother, lover or the independent, girlboss feminist. We don’t have stories about women where they aren’t women first and foremost, and the damage is two-fold: men don’t see us as human beings, women strip themselves of womanhood so they can be.
I have noticed this with the way female musicians are perceived and their fans judged. Taylor Swift embraces her “girliness” - she writes love songs, wears ball gowns, loves cats, etc. - and she is ridiculed and her fans written off as vacuous. Meanwhile, Chappell Roan says that on stage she is performing “drag” and this is seen as cool and badass and her fandom are not dismissed as a result.
Femininity is not "glamour, camp, excess, softness, or beauty"
https://substack.com/home/post/p-184021026
Femininity and Masculinity were defiled by pornography in the minds of a generation.
Then they’re told there is nothing wrong with that, it’s all just a big joke.
In fact, if you find the spread of pornography troubling, you are the problem. You are being judgmental.